A lot has happened in my life over the past two years.
Things I’m ashamed of.
Things I’m embracing.
Things that have traumatized me.
Things that have forever changed me.
I have been quiet for so long for a couple of reasons. First, because I wasn’t ready to put my experiences into words. It takes a long time to work through the shit I’ve been through and I was struggling to think about it, let alone write about it. Second, because I thought it might be too late. I thought that maybe my story would no longer be relevant to others, to my audience.
But then I realized something. There is no expiration date on my story. There is no expiration date on my trauma, my heartbreak, my healing. As much as I sometimes wish it would, it will never EVER go away. And even if it did, the person left behind isn’t the same one who existed before.
While each of these topics deserves and will get their own post (probably more), I am going to give you a brief rundown of what has been happening.
– Two suicide attempts
– Two subsequent hospitalizations
– One ride in the back of a police car, handcuffed
– Two marital separations
– One eating disorder
– Multiple incidents of self harm
– One completed partial hospitalization program
– One completed intensive outpatient program
– One new, additional diagnosis
– One house fire
– Four pets killed
– Hours and hours of personal therapy
– Hours and hours of marriage counseling
Are you still with me? Are you bored and think that these things aren’t worth discussing? There are many more things that I could add to that list, but they are not my story alone and I’m not in a place where I am at liberty to discuss the details of them. At least not until other people are comfortable with sharing their stories, or are comfortable with me sharing my interpretation of their stories. And until those people actually write their stories in their own words, that’s all they will ever be… kept locked in a box of secrecy or be my personal interpretation of their experiences and how they impacted me.
Like I said, each of these events deserves its own post. And they will get just that. I will tell my story piece by piece, after lots of mental organization and probably lots more appointments with my therapist to discuss how best to address it all publicly.
Maybe it’s unfair of me to share these tiny pieces without giving you all any background or details. But it would also be unfair for me to try to sum up two years in one single blog post. So I won’t. I will give these experiences time to breathe before I release them into the world.
This blog may move in a different direction over the course of time… I can’t really be sure. I’m just going to go where my thoughts and words take me. But I hope you’ll join me on my journey.