Better Late Than Never

Finding my way back to blogging has been on my mind over the past few months.  I wanted to come in here and talk about my “Word of the Year” and start 2015 off right.  It’s now the end of February.  You see, this is how things are for me.  I set goals and have bursts of creativity and it just never pans out.

But I’ve decided to take the saying “better late then never” a little more seriously these days.  I don’t need to do things on some imaginary clock or calendar that I think is hovering over me.  I can do them on my own time, because I only owe this to myself, after all.

So it’s almost March and I’m going to write about my “Word of the Year”, damn it!  My word for 2015 is “focus”.  Because clearly that’s something I don’t have a lot of and need to work on.

Instead of “focusing” on the laundry list of things that I’ve usually got going on in my life, I am paring that list down and spending more time on the few things that really matter.  And I am going to make my mind concentrate on one thing at a time and be entirely present in it during that moment, rather than only being halfway there.

Since Delanie started school, I’ve been very active there… volunteering, joining PTO, organizing class parties, chaperoning field trips, etc.  And you know, I’ve truly enjoyed it for the most part.  But something I’ve noticed is that much of my attention has been on the well-being of ALL of the students, not just my own.  Which is great in theory, but my mind just doesn’t have room for it all anymore.  I can’t save everyone and in trying, I’ve been doing a disservice to my own children.  So I’m stepping down and back.  Delanie is moving on to the middle school anyway and we’re uncertain about our plans for Elysa next year (which is a topic for a later post), so it was the wisest decision for all involved.  I feel like I can breathe again.  My own kids are the only ones that I’m going to worry about.

If my kids have been put on the backburner (just try to ignore how disturbing that sounds, lol), I think it’s needless to say that so has my mental and emotional health.  People point out over and over that I can’t be who I need to be for my kids if I’m not who I need to be for ME, if I’m not taking care of myself.  I’ve always known that this advice is full of truth, but I still don’t often follow it.  I’ve been medicated for years… surely that’s enough, right?

My lack of mental peace is starting to take its toll, though.  I’m not seeing the joy in life, only the stress and obligations.  I refuse to continue to live like that and I need to “focus” on happiness and contentment, enjoying the things that I often take for granted.  I’m going back to the doctor to be re-evaluated.  I’m going to make my mental health a priority, taking out time to meditate and better myself, for the good of myself and my family.

And let’s not forget about my partnership with my husband.  More often than I’d like to admit, he gets shoved down to the bottom of the list.  I give myself to all of these other people and places that he only gets the leftovers of me.  Last I checked, he didn’t ask my leftovers to marry him.  He asked all of me.  So he should get all of me as much as possible, rather than exhausted remnants of what’s left.  I am going to “focus” on my husband and our marriage, because we both deserve it.

So just like spring cleaning, I’m decluttering my mind.  Letting only the truly important things set up camp in there and ridding myself of the rest.  Here’s to a more fulfilled, more relaxed 2015!

Me1

I am striving to get this happy-go-lucky lady back

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